“She’s a super birther.”

A midwife said this about her sister at my last appointment.

I immediately thought, “That woman is a champ. I’m not a super birther.”

To be clear, this feels ok FOR ME. I don’t believe that I need to be a ‘super birther’, in the context of which this was being discussed.

Anymore. To be ok. To do well. To birth well. To be successful in birth.

I wanted to be a super birther so badly the first time. In my mind, super birthing seemed like a vaginal birth, a home birth, unmedicated, laboring at home. What resulted left me feeling much less than that.

Now, I’m trying to see what it might feel like to re-write my own rules around birth and super birthers.

Looking at the other side, maybe I am a super birther? Maybe every person that gives birth is?

Maybe some people are actually really fucking good at birthing? Maybe some people are indeed ‘better’ at birthing than I am and that’s ok, too? What does it mean to be good at birthing? Maybe I don’t need to be good at everything?

Maybe, specifically, I don’t need to be good at birthing babies through my vagina?

I don’t know. I don’t know what super birthing should feel like for you. I’m only trying to sort it out for myself.

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My due date is about 8 weeks away. I haven’t made any plans or set any preferences on how I want to give birth to this baby. I’m starting to have clearer ideas on what it looks like, though.

Last week I had a counselling appointment with a new-to-me counsellor. It was great. I was unpacking some things about pregnancy, birth, and postpartum with her and it was really helpful.

When I was talking about birth with her, I was saying how one of my old, recurring, from childhood, through adulthood stories is that when I work hard, I will be worthy. I will get praise. There will be value in it.

One of the stories that I find myself checking about an elective, repeat C-section is…

What if it’s not the hard enough way? Will I feel like I didn’t do enough?

OBVIOUSLY, a C-section – the birth and the recovery – is not easy.

But truthfully, I’m trying to dig into this further. I’m still thinking through all this, so it might be messy.

What if the process of a scheduled C-section actually IS the easier route for me? Is that ok?

What if the recovery of a scheduled C-section IS the easier route for me? Is that ok?

Is choosing the simpler path ok? Is choosing the path of least resistance ok?

Hint: the answer to all of the above for me feels like a YES. 

Much of what I read about people talking about C-sections, is in defence of it being hard, too. As in, C-sections are not the easy way out. Not an easy way to give birth to a baby. And, YES, I would agree with that wholeheartedly with that from my daughter’s birth and the recovery from it.

That said, I’ve spoken to many moms who’ve thought the process of a scheduled Cesarean birth felt good for them. Who regarded their recovery as very smooth.

If it felt simpler or easier, in whatever the hell way, that doesn’t make the birth any less worthy.

I’m trying to get comfortable with the notion of a birth that feels good in my soul, that maybe I don’t have to try so damn hard for, like I did the first time around.

That can be ok. I will have done enough.

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