So, you’ve been asked if you’re pregnant and you’re not?

I get it. This is, at best, a potentially awkward & uncomfortable conversation to have. Beyond that, it could be incredibly triggering and painful for you based on your history with pregnancy.

Flustered, you feel like you have to explain yourself. The “asker” feels badly (maybe?) and they try to back-track. You reassure them that’s it’s fine, even though you’re now feeling enraged, embarrassed about your body, and potentially deeply sad.

Let’s talk about why it can feel so strange and what to say if this happens to you.

Why Are People Making Comments About Your Body In The First Place? 

A strange phenomena occurs with pregnant people. If you have ever been pregnant, you may have experienced this!

People can act very strangely around pregnant folks and make offhand comments about pregnant bodies. Everything from touching one’s pregnant belly without consent, asking if you’re sure you’re only carrying one baby instead of two, or wondering about your new eating habits – it can be a weird thing to navigate your body being in the spotlight in such a way.

It’s almost as if people believe a pregnant person’s body is up for public consumption. Let’s be clear: it’s NOT. Everyone’s body is for themselves. It is not ok to comment on other people’s bodies or to touch them without expressed invitation. Pregnant, or not.

What Are My Feelings When Asked If I’m Pregnant When I’m Not?

Let’s dive deeper into the feelings that might come up when you’re asked if you’re pregnant and you’re not.

• Do you feel embarrassed because you assume the person asking thinks your belly looks round and large, when you’ve historically had a difficult relationship to your stomach or body and getting back into exercising hasn’t been easy?
• Do you feel sad because you’ve been trying to conceive and have been experiencing infertility?
• Do you feel annoyed because you simply do not want to discuss your body at all with this person?
• Do you feel a sense of urgency to make your body smaller so no one ever asks you this again but healing hasn’t been as quick as you had hoped or society told you?

Me = 36 weeks pregnant, summer of 2015. Why do we think pregnant bellies are beautiful, but not postpartum bellies? This needs to change. 

How Do I Feel About My Body When Asked If Pregnant When I’m Not?

Let’s take a deeper dive into the body image related thoughts (aka. spiral) this question can influence.

Are you feeling uncomfortable because…

• You are already feeling uncomfortable about the amount of belly fat you currently have?

• You have anxiety about being perceived as having a fat or larger body?

• This must mean that your belly isn’t flat?

• Your Diastasis Recti isn’t healing?

• You must have an abdomen that is soft, round, and not visibly muscular?

• You’re already having a hard time in a postpartum body that does not feel like you’re own and you miss the old version of YOU?

Those are a few valid reasons that you might struggle when someone asks if you’re pregnant when you’re not.

NOTE: again, since I’ve directly working with hundreds of prenatal and postpartum fitness coaching clients over the last two decades, I’m very aware that there can be plenty of other reasons why being asked this question can be a hard experience, particularly if you’re had a challenging road to conception.

I don’t know what it’s like to go through those experiences and I can only imagine how many crushing things you’ve had to endure. No doubt this can be far more than a body image conversation. So much love, compassion, and grace to you. 

My Body Image Experience As A Mom Of Two Kids

I gave birth to babies in 2015 and 2018.

My belly is much larger, softer, and squishier than it was pre-pregnancy. Based on the appearance of my belly, I wouldn’t be surprised if someone thought I was pregnant and asked me if I was. The truth is, when I relax my belly it is the size and shape that it was during the earlier months of my pregnancies.

Those are the facts! AND, IT’S FINE for my body to be shaped in these ways.

I have come to this place of feeling very neutral about my belly in part because I’ve done a significant amount of personal body image work over the last decade to accept having more belly fat, not needing to weight a certain number of pounds, and not trying to pretend that I don’t look like my body carried two full term pregnancies.

Additionally, it’s important to any conversation about body image to mention that I hold significant body privileges (skin colour, body size, abilities, etc), which does make my journey of accepting my body a simpler task.

Me, with my first baby. My body and my belly are now larger than they were in this photo.

Ultimately, there is nothing bad, or needing to be fixed about my softer, bigger, postpartum tummy.

The fact that my belly is different (and bigger) than it was before I became pregnant is a really normal variation of a postpartum body. I aim to show up as I am in this normal variations of a postpartum body.

It’s continual work in an anti-fat society to continue DECIDING to work on enjoying my body as it is and seek comfort in it without efforts to shrink it.

I have had to be ACTIVE in the process of choosing to enjoy my body throughout all it’s changes through pregnancies, postpartum, and now inching towards perimenopause.

How Should I Respond When Someone Asks If I’m Pregnant?

It can feel difficult knowing how to respond in the moment when someone asks you this or comments on your body! It might be helpful to have a couple of go-to phrases in the back of your mind, ready to pull out at a moment’s notice.

A few things you can say if someone asks you if you’re pregnant and you’re not: 

• “No, I’m not.” You really don’t need to explain anything further than this.

• “No, in fact my baby was born ______.” This could be 6 months, 5 years, and a decade past!

• “I’m not pregnant. Why? Am I glowing? ;)” Take the edge off and keep it light, if that’s your move.

Above all else, you do not need to explain yourself or your body.

Finally, please don’t feel the need to make “excuses” for your body existing as it does. You do not need to say that you know you have a lot of work to do on your fitness, or that you’re still trying to lose the baby weight, or that your baby is a bad sleeper so you haven’t been able to get back to your pre-pregnancy size.

You can simply respond with a firm “no”, and excuse yourself from the situation.

It’s Not Bad To Look Like You Are Pregnant

Most of all, my friend, please practice having the confidence to show up in your body as you are. Please work towards interrupting your need to hide your body. Please don’t feel like your body needs to look as though you’ve never been pregnant.

You don’t win postpartum by looking like your pre-pregnant self. You don’t win motherhood by erasing all signs of a body that’s grown a baby.

Remember, your body is powerful. You’ve been through more than most. And, that’s something to be in awe of.

Rooting for you,

Jess