When Pregnancy Is Really Hard
CONTENT WARNING: This blog talks about pregnancy and some very uncomfortable emotions surrounding it.
I’m pregnant. Close to 17 weeks along now. I’ve started feeling waves of excitement for the first time this week. Until this point, things have been…difficult.
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I found out I was pregnant on Wednesday, October 25th. I cried, screamed, and hated everything about it. When I say everything, I mean every. thing.
For a few days before this, I was feeling unusually bloated. I was supposed to start my period on Monday, Tuesday latest, but I was still waiting. This wasn’t too uncommon for me, but in my soul, I *knew* I was pregnant. I tried to distract from it, telling myself it was all the coconut milk caramels that I had been eating.
On Wednesday morning, I dropped my 2-year old off at her Dayhome for a few hours. I had a long list of work projects to complete, but I stopped at the drugstore on the way home to pick up a couple of pregnancy tests. I did a test as soon as I got home and the positive results were immediate.
It felt like I couldn’t escape a nightmare. A life I didn’t want to be living. I was so…sad. Angry. Frustrated. Annoyed. Terrified. Confused. Torn.
I did not want to be pregnant. I did not want to be here. We were not trying to get pregnant.
I had just weaned my daughter from breast-feeding 2 months earlier, and was feeling more and more like myself, for the first time in 3 years. The thought of going back into pregnancy and early postpartum life literally brought me to my knees.
My husband was out of town. I texted him. The message said, “OMG. FUCK.”, followed by a picture of a positive pregnancy test. This was not a joyful ‘we’re pregnant!’ moment.
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Before our daughter, Steele, was born in August 2015, I thought we would likely try for another baby eventually. It felt right for our family when I pictured us in the future. Whenever people would ask if we planned to have more, while I was still pregnant with our first, I would respond with, “we’ll see how this one goes.”
Shortly after our daughter’s birth in August 2015, I asked my husband to stop talking about the possibility of having another baby. I couldn’t even think about it as an option, without feeling anxious.
REMINDER: please stop asking people *when* they are going to have a baby or another baby. Please stop telling people that they shouldn’t wait too long before having another baby. You do not know their journey.
Recovering from Steele’s birth was difficult for me, mentally and emotionally. We had attempted a home birth that led to a transfer to hospital and emergency C-section. I felt calm, supported, and cared for during the entire experience, but afterwards it shook me to my core.
I felt shame about that birth. I felt distrust in my instincts. For weeks (months?), I couldn’t stop thinking about specific moments during labor and they scared me. The ‘what-ifs’ were terrifying. I was having constant flashbacks to a few particular times before we moved to the OR whenever I tried to close my eyes or rest.
I have talked through this at length with a counsellor and will be working with someone prenatally who specifically counsels moms on birth trauma. I highly recommend it, if you can access someone who does similar work.
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When I found out I was pregnant, I wanted to escape my body. I didn’t want to relive any of this. I didn’t want to have to make decisions about how to birth and recover from another baby.
Being pregnant again feels like knowingly walking into a fire. Choosing to undergo more trauma. And, not just from birth, but potentially from pregnancy and postpartum life, too.
I had been so shut down to the idea of another pregnancy and baby because all I could imagine was the pain of choosing my route of trauma. Now, this was my reality.
My immediate reaction when I found out I was pregnant was abortion. I’m fully pro-choice. Your body is fully your business. Your reproductive rights are fully your business. I fully support abortion.
My husband, Randy, was completely on my side for whatever I chose. We had conversations about abortion before and we are both comfortable with it.
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The decision was heavy and painful. I went to therapy. I talked to friends. Randy and I went around and around on it. I cried. Hard. Kicked. Screamed.
I just didn’t know. I JUST DIDN’T FUCKING KNOW what to do. For me, for us, for the future of our family. It felt like the weight of the world was on me.
I booked the procedure for Tuesday, November 9th. Monday night came and Randy and I stood in the kitchen, with him flipping a coin over and over and over again.
Heads. Heads. Heads.
Heads was what I chose to mean we are supposed to have another baby. I hated that coin.
By the time I cried myself to sleep Monday night, I still didn’t know what I was going to do. I set my alarm to have plenty of time to get myself ready and to the clinic on Tuesday morning. My alarm went off. I went downstairs. I cried. I didn’t get ready. I didn’t get in the car.
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We had gotten to the point where we were almost certain that Steele was going to be our only baby. Over the summer, I had thoughts that maybe she wasn’t. Maybe there was supposed to be one more. I couldn’t even say it out loud. I pushed those thoughts away. It was too painful to go there. To think of everything it would mean to go through it all again.
Our life was just beginning to feel more free, with more ease. I was just beginning to have energy again for the first time in a few years. We love being a family of three. It is comfortable.
At the time I’m writing this (January 17th), I’ve known I am pregnant for 12 weeks now. I am just starting to feel more at ease with the idea of another birth and birth recovery.
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Pregnancy is mentally difficult for me. I’ve been nauseous 24 hours a day since 5 days after I took that positive pregnancy test. I’ve hated all food in every minute of my awake time. I feel like I could lie in bed all day, which is not actually possible when you’re parenting a 2-year old.
I have not been SO EXCITED and overjoyed to be pregnant. I have a lot of waves of fear. Uncertainty. Resentment. Rage. Initially, I was feeling a ton of guilt for all the mamas and families who are trying desperately to be and stay pregnant.
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At our first trimester screening ultrasound, in combination with bloodwork, baby was given the diagnosis of having a higher risk of Down’s syndrome. We were told we could do further blood testing, an amniocentesis, or wait until the 19-week ultrasound to get more detailed information.
While it was sad and stressful for us to get that news, I more so felt frustrated that I, again, felt in limbo. At that time, I was just starting to feel like I was setting into the idea of being pregnant and being a family of four. This felt like I was knocked back to the beginning again.
It’s been a month since we got that news. On Tuesday, we found out the results of our amniocentesis. It came back normal.
Tuesday was the first time I really felt joy. I felt excited. When I first told my To Pregnancy & Beyond mamas a couple months ago that I was pregnant – I talk through ALL the things with them – I didn’t want congratulations. I wasn’t excited, so I wasn’t ready for that.
Now, I feel hope.
I’m terrified for life with a 3-year old and a newborn. I’m scared for myself. Losing this version of me (again). Our marriage. For Steele. For the baby. I’m dreading postpartum recovery, breastfeeding, exhaustion, no breaks. And, more. I don’t need anyone to tell me that it will be fine. It will be hard. We will have struggles.
With all of that, somehow I feel like this is the path we are supposed to be on. I trust that, even when I am still uncomfortable. I have a sense of deep knowing that things are unfolding exactly as they are supposed to, even when it seems wildly confusing.
What is coming is exactly, always what I need to be the next version of myself.
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Perhaps not the overjoyed pregnancy announcement we’re used to seeing on social media. That’s why I think it’s important to share. Pregnancy can indeed be hard. Highly emotional. Difficult. It is ok.
I have been allowing myself to feel exactly what I need to. I have been really honest in my discomfort. Not trying to pretend like it’s something it’s not, or force myself to feel differently.
I’ll continue to give myself permission in whatever I’m feeling as we move along through pregnancy and postpartum.
This blog is scraping the surface of what I’ve been feeling the last couple of months. I’ll be keeping you updated on how I’m doing in this pregnancy, how my exercise plan is changing, what my plans for baby’s birth will be (undecided at this time), and, of course, the pain and the heart bursting times.
I’ll be sharing the most real-time updates to my email friends. If you’re interested in staying up to date, you can subscribe to my free newsletter, with weekly updates going to your inbox, HERE.
As always, thank you for listening.
Jess
xoxo
Alllllllll the feels for this. I’m a few weeks ahead of you and went through very similar thought processes. Thank you for normalizing fear and uncertainty and rage and all of the uncomfortable things that popular culture and perceptions of motherhood have no room for. Holding space for you on this journey.
Lauren! How are you now?
Wow – what a read, thank you for your amazing honesty. I am 15 weeks gone now due middle of July, and went through a huge emotional journey with number 1 child – also a daughter – also will be three when this one comes along. 1st was a c-section – not emergency, elective, long story but I never laboured naturally and due to childhood sexual trauma refused hands down induction. My pregnancy with number 1 was a massive learning curve. I had a great reaction to the positive test with this one but since then SO MUCH panic. I am an anorexic / bullimic permanently in recovery – had only just got my body to a place where I felt relatively OK ( which isn’t totally OK but but is better than the norm ) and suddenly feel completely out of control and so many of the things you have voiced. Its such a HUGE relief to read your feelings so eloquently and honestly put and realise that I am not psychotic for feeling less than excited some days. Most days with my three year old I barely register I’m pregnant other than the thick waist and the baby obsessed toddler who is so excited. Anyway – thank you for sharing this. Its really really helped me. Good luck with the rest of it.
Hi Annie! Oh wow. Your story is so powerful. How are you?!
This is crazy.. you hit my feelings right on the head. Im not
Married tho, I have a 12 year old boy, not a toddler so it’s a little easier to do nothing all day. Even down to the downs test I got, first came back likely to have it then i had a panarama instead and found out all was ok. However, I’ve had a few scares. I’m 20’weeks pregnant now, the nausea had subsided, my feelings are still all over the place. I’ve never had the excited to be pregnant feeling yet. I started bleeding at 10 weeks, I had a hematoma, I’ve been taken off work now as I have a tear on the lower part of my placenta that caused more Bleeding. I had my anatomy scan last week and my placenta is very low by my cervix, so even more so, they want me to rest and not be at work.
I don’t know how to feel excited as I haven’t been able to live my regular life since being pregnant. Don’t get me wrong, I love her already and love feeling her moving inside of me but I just have been having lots of Up and down emotions.
I LOVE that you shared this. My daughter is 6 months older than Steele and I just found out I’m pregnant for the second time. I too had an emergency section and while I didn’t think I had any issues, I’m realizing with this pregnancy I am having a lot of anxiety when I think about delivery. On top of feeling “normal” again. We just stopped BF a couple of months ago and as much as I wanted two kids, I was very settled on just one the last several month. Thanks for being honest!
Thank you Laura! How are you doing?
Our third was not planned either and definatly went through all of this ! But now couldnt imagine anything different.
Not to mention a coworker who lost a baby and here I am getting pregnant by mistake, i even had to train her to take over my mat leave!
I can definitely appreciate all of these feelings!
Jessie,
Thank you for your honesty and thank you for sharing your story. I appreciate your willingingness to be vulnerable and share what many internalize. Although I am not currently pregnant, my husband and I go back and forth with whether or not we would like to bring another child into the family for the same reasons that you address here. I think often times we feel that we can’t share how we really feel as it may go against the popular opinion. I think today you gave a voice to many women who face the same struggles. Thank you again for sharing your story. Thinking of you!
Love love love
Thank you for sharing and being so open and honest.
Thank you for being you and sharing your story and acknowledging the fact that it’s not always rainbows and unicorns. I appreciate your honesty and look forward to updates. Best wishes to you!
I felt this fear to my very core when I was pregnant with my second. I was shattered: I could barely function with one baby, how was I going to manage with two? My first delivery was an emergency c-section, and my daughter was a high-needs baby. I had post-traumatic stress disorder for a long time. Therapy helped.
My son came along. A hellish, anxiety-filled pregnancy, but a calm delivery, and a calm baby. The best way to describe having my second was that he brought a piece of my soul back to me. I took a deep breath of relief the second I held him in my arms. Since having him, I feel more like myself than I have in years. I know this isn’t everyone’s experience, and lord knows there are hard days, but it’s better than I ever could have imagined. Sending you lots of hugs. Thank you so much for giving a voice to something so many of us struggle with.
Thanks so much for sharing your story, Jessie. Your vulnerability will surely help other women who Feel the same way and yet are worried they are the only one. Your tribe is here to help you through this process as you have been there for us! We love you!
I have always loved your honesty. We unexpected got pregnant with our second child and the timing could not have been worse. I had just lost my job. My husband was looking for another job. My son was 14 months old. We knew we wanted to have more kids, but I NEVER thought I would have kids so close in age. I had a home birth with my first, but it was an extremely long and grueling labor. I absolutely could not do it again. Our health insurance was a mess. The list goes on and on. As soon as I saw the positive sign I called my midwife and wept on the phone. I took a video of my husband looking at the test. The video brings up all the feels.. and not the typical warm fuzzies. All that to say. I can relate. It took me until the well into the second trimester to start getting excited, and it took me six months after he was born to feel bonded. Lean on your village and stay honest! Love to you!
My youngest child is 10 and whenever I hear mamas talking about being exhausted bec of caring for a newborn or toddler, I honestly have PTSD flashbacks. My heart rate speeds up, my blood starts rushing, and I have to walk out of the room to avoid crying. I never wanted to be pregnant again because I’m just so afraid of being tired. Thinking about waking up multiple times each night send me into panic mode.I can’t do it again. I can’t put myself back there. This stuff is so real, so raw, boiling right beneath the surface.
I so admire and respect the work you’ve done to be able to move forward. When you speak your truth out loud, you give hope to the rest of us. Thank you Jessie for all your work and advocacy. Wishing you peace of mind and tranquility. Best of luck to you and your family.
Thank you for sharing your journey.
Jessie, I hear you too. 6 week old #2 today. 2 c sections. So fearful and anxious before the birth for my own identity, my relationship with my daughter, my partner, continuing my business. Just want to say I hear you. For me everything is working out better than I could have ever imagined. I can’t actually believe it. I’m not telling you it will be fine, cos as you said it’s bloody hard. You will love this baby so hard once you actually meet it though! You have been a constant source of information and inspiration since my first PT client became pregnant – you were who I turned to. Then my own pregnancies and now my fitness business. You are doing great things but you already know that! The universe doesn’t give anything to us that we can’t handle xxx
I started following you on fb when i was pregnant with my first ( we had the same due date but my daughter came early and yours came late?) I just had my 2nd 2 months ago. It’s hard for all the reasons you listed above. Loosing myself again. The constant demand. How it feels like none of us, my husband, dauggter,son, myself, are getting enough. I know it won’t always feel this way but right now this shit does not feel easy.
Thank you for your honesty. The positive “im a better person as a mother” stories make me want to barf lately. I feel like the worst person.
I love this! I also had a birth that did not go as planned with my first and went deep into that PPD with him. We also got pregnant when my son was 13 months old with my second. I had just weaned him and was starting to feel like my self again only to be growing another human. All I can say is the second time around was 180 different from the first time in every aspect. I wish you well with your journey and thank you for being vulurnable and sharing!
Thank you so much for sharing this Jess! I think it’s so important that as women we should start to open up more about those feelings and experiences, that would take away a lot of the guilt, shame and loneliness that may come with those feelings. I did have a similar birth-plan-goes-wrong story (two, to be precise) and had a difficult time to digest it after my first. I was able to accept things better after my second was delivered via c-section again. I definitely know what it feels having your body back, bouncing back from pregnancy, postpartum recovery and breastfeeding, the journey can be so though! And yes, you are right, it will be hard! But, I have never heard of someone regretting to have their child!
Jessie, I have followed you and your blog since the GGS conference in 2016. You are part of the reason I decided to get pre- and post-natal certified this year, so thank you for that. I was blown away by the raw honesty and get real-ness of your post. Thank you for the sharing your experience, and a side of pregnancy that no one talks about. I, too, had a lot of these feelings, but it was with my first baby (very unexpected), and didn’t know how to talk about them. I hope that your feelings of joy increase in frequency as your pregnancy progresses. You are an inspiration for mamas everywhere!
I just hit 18 weeks and even though I really wanted another and close together in age. After finding out I was pregnant I became terrified with my last birth trauma like it all came back. And everyday I feel guilty about second guessing it but its at least a little relieving other women are going through it and its becoming easier to feel happy about this pregnancy.
Thank you so much for being REAL and sharing your fears with all of us
I can’t love this enough. Your brutal honesty is amazing. I had similar thoughts when I found out I was pregnant with my second. My first delivery JACKED ME UP! But I learned from that one. I healed. I grew. My second delivery was a breeze, and my body struggled some after him, but because of what I learned round 1, I was able to rebound quicker. And 3 years post partum with baby #2, I am finally feeling like my body is starting to be normal. So yes, it is a journey, and it is hard.
Thank you so much for your honesty and truth. It’s hard to be he one who feels like you do, we so far only have one and are in that comfortable place where we feel at ease. I don’t know if I can do 2, and have t decided yet. I also had a longrecovery tho from a natural delivery. It helps
To hear someone else say it. Xo
Thank you for posting this. This is exactly how I’m feeling after finding out I’m pregnant with our 3rd (unplanned).
I feel guilt for not being excited, ashamed for thinking about abortion and scared as hell because there are days when I can hardly handle my 3 and 5 year old. So how am I supposed to handle another??
I keep saying to myself that things happen for a reason and if it’s not supposed to happen then I will miscarry. We booked a trip down south and I can’t go now so my mother in law is going instead. I’ve had all sorts of emotions and none of them are joy or contement.
Again thank you for writing this. It’s funny how it’s hard to say these things to friends but I can say it to strangers. Thanks for listening everyone.
Wow. Thank you for writing this. I am currently pregnant with my second child and although it was planned and something I wanted I have yet to feel excited for it. I have been nothing short of miserable and feel alone in my feelings. When I try to share with my husband the only response I get is “but you wanted this”. I didn’t want any of these feelings, the sickness or anger or loneliness/guilt of these feelings. I am glad I came across this post. So thank you.